Module 3 | How We Think is How We Feel

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Module Video:

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Let’s consider this example:

 

This is Henry.

Henry is on a first date after matching with someone on a new dating app. Let’s call it a Binder date.

It’s their first in-person meet-up after a week of fairly solid texting back and forth on the app. Lauren, his match, seems nice. While it’s always hard to tell what the other person is going to be like in real life, Henry has high hopes for this one. Lauren seems smart, funny and the two seem to have a whole bunch of stuff in common. They decided to meet up for a drink at one of his favourite small bars. Fancy, but not too fancy. And also the option for small bites and share plates if the night progresses well.

Henry is waiting at the bar. They had arranged to meet at 7pm and it had just ticked over to 7:10pm. Henry thinks, “I’ll just send her a quick text to let her know I’m here.” He sends this and orders a drink. Minutes pass but no reply. He checks his phone again. It’s now 7:20pm.

 
 

Take a minute to consider what Henry might be thinking right now…

Now have a look at these appraisals.

  1. “Maybe she got into a bad car crash on the way here.”

  2. “She’s ditched me. She must have found something better to do.”

  3. “She probably never liked me. I’m pretty useless like that.”

Now consider what kind of emotional responses may likely accompany these appraisals? Based on these appraisals it’s likely that Henry may be feeling concerned, angry, rejected or sad. If we think of these responses in terms of how helpful they are, if Henry’s goal is to have a successful first date, these appraisals and consequent negative feelings seem rather unhelpful.

Now consider these alternate appraisals:

  1. “We’ve had good chats this whole week. She’s most likely just running a bit late.”

  2. “Parking is really difficult around here. She’s probably just having trouble finding a park.”

  3. “Worst case – she doesn’t show up. Ah well, I have other mates out tonight I can hang out with instead. It’s always good times with them.”

In contrast, these appraisals are much more likely to lead to a more composed, collected or unfazed emotional response. In the context of a first date, we can consider these as a more helpful set of appraisals and responses.